i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The adults are the big ones right?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
