I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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