I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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