ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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