We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
