the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
