Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
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How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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