maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
