I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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