you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
