Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I love you.
Bad choice
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