so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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