he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
