You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
