I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
