theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
