she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
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I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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