Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think my vagina is haunted
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
