You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
