Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
it's like iHOP with fire
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
