apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
