the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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