This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
