you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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