I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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