Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize