I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
