My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
