There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
