shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
