Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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