i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
