I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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