I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
