I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
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He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
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You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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