Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
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The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
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Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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