My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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