after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
