dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize