the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
