this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
