fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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