I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just blew my weed a kiss
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".