I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom