I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.