We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
