I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
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I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
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he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.