I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
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She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
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take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.