I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops