Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
