Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
