Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
