I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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