I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
