I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
