The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
