Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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