My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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