your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
