textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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