Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
