dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
two words...techno handjob
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
